Berlin, Germany - Tuesday, Jun 07 2016
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 24 years since my last confession. I have taken into false gods, put my faith and hopes in men. But men are only men and the gods mock us all.
“I have taken into my own hands the judgement of what is righteous and what is not. I have drawn a vividly sharp line to separate the two. But father, the years go by as I jump from one side of the line to the other and the line grows less vivid, less sharp every time. Now I can no longer see the line. I can no longer tell which side I amm on. I have resolved into judging what is by my ownn earthly and humane feelings. Sometimes, I don’t even try to know which side I’m on. Sometimes, I just am. The line is gone and I have neither the strength nor the will to draw up another.”
“What are you really here for, son? There are no gods, there is only God and the rest of us exist by his will. God is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning of life and the End of life as we know of it and as we do not know. It is never up to you to judge what is righteous from that which is not. Judgement is only up to God and so long as you live by his will, you are righteous in his eyes. Through the Lord, there is light and through light, life.”
“And what has life have to offer, father? The sorrow never comes, instead it looms all over me every night after every day. It feeds off my own very existence and yet it stays far enough away from me to let me know it’s there. Eating me off to death slowly and agonizing my own very existence. I only asked for it to embrace me, but the sorrow never comes and I have lost the will to hold on to this life that you speak of.
“Sometimes, It’s hard to keep in. The absurd man puts on a cape every morning at the rise of the sun, ready to save the worl. Ready to save his world. Getting through the day like a roller coaster, not aware of how fast the time flies. And then the sun goes down and there is nothing left to fight for, nothing and no one to save. But the man must keep fighting so he turns to fighting his own shadows, fighting himself. Tell me father, what man spends his day fighting the world and his night fighting himself? What kind of man lives every second of his life fighing a fight he need not fight? He lives for the fight, hence he dies. And if the fight won’t kill him, he might as well do it himself. Even with that he dies for the fight.”
“Is that why you are here son? To ask for forgiveness for thinking of taking your own life? It’s not too late, our Father forgives all.”
“Not at all father. Not at all. You see, I have lost the will to fight but I haven’t taken up the will to leave the scene. I will sit down and let myself take the goddamn beating!”
“Language, son! This is a house of God.”
“Forgive me father. There is only so much fighting a man can do. I rue the day I can no longer fight back. When that day comes, I will not run around and cower, I will stay and take the beating. Let it tear me apart. Leave me bloody, breatheless without any hope of making it out alive because no one ever does, not even the man who gives the beating. And when the gods see it fit, they can have me. I have no intention of taking matters into my own hands, that is too much responsibility. But I’m tired and weary and life as only just begun. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have sinned against the gods, I have sinned against man and most importantly I have failed myself and the life that I have been given. As a little boy I had all these dreams. Beautiful dreams of me in beautiful places living a beautiful life. A life many would see and envy and crave. Can a man live in such a beautiful dream and yet filled with so much disgust and contempt? Isn’t beauty supposed to be acknowledged and revered for what it is? Father, I’m living a dream and as beautiful as this dream may seem to many, why does it feel like a snightmare?.
“I have had it all, father. Ever since I was born I have been one lucky bastard. I have been through all sort of ailment that have taken the lives of many. I went to the best schools, had the best education a man can aford. And there are people on the street, they come up to me and tell me that they like what I do now. I have had friends or so I thought. I have family. You see, father, I have it all. All that a man can will for and yet I have nothing and I am empty with nothing in me but rage. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been a really long time since my last confession. Truth be told, I haven’t had a confession since my birth. The ones I thought have had had all been out of my own pleasure to mock the gods, and now they gather around and jest at me.”
“Confess your sins son and our Father in heaven will embrace you like the prodigal son was by his father. Confess your sins. The ones you’ve committed to yourself, to others and to your God. Confess them all as you remember them, let them out from the bottom of your heart and the Lord shall attone you of them.”
“Where shall I begin? I have lied, stolen from my neighbor. I have fornicated. I have harboured feelings of strong hatred for my own neighbor. Yes, father, I have hated yet I have loved or so I thought. I have dishonoured my own parents and I have dishonored the gods. In so doing, I abandoned my faith in them and fooled myself into taking faith in godless men.”
“Our Father is a loving God and shall forgive all your sins son.”
“You seem to be mistaken father, I am not here to ask for forgiveness for any of these attrocities I claim to have committed against the gods and men. I am here to ask for forgiveness for this very life that I have and have decided to keep.”
“If you are so tired, why don’t you end it, son?. Surely you must know God has a plan of his for you. And when the day comes when you can no longer take it, heaven and its angels will accept you.”
“Thank you father but the heavens must have to wait because I have time.”
“That you do son. That you most certainly do.”